Nano 2017 Lego Thing Part Thirty

“Well this is it, this is the final day of Nanowrimo. And Scrivener just sent me a pop up telling me I can buy the new version of the software for the low price of $25.”

“Wait what? Weren’t all the other updates all free?”

Alex took a sip of his mocha and nodded. “Yup,” he typed. “It looks like they’ve totally overhauled the software. I don’t think I’m going to buy it. Unless I keep writing with Scrivener after Nanowrimo is over.”

“Do you think you’ll keep writing?”

“I don’t know. I only kept writing this story because it was more like a series of fun short stories and less like a novel. So. Maybe? I’d still like to finish a proper novel one day and maybe even release it.”

“That would be cool!”

“They’re opening a new bagel place down the street called Hey Bagel! I still really like coming to Beanland, but I might have to go check that out.”

—

The “race” had been total chaos so far. Several cars had been blasted to bits, several pedestrians had been narrowly avoided, and one cat had run away.

Sledge was in the lead, followed closely by the lead librarian. She was determined to win the race and acquire the diamond to help rebuild the broken shelves that were so recently destroyed by an unknown miscreant.

“How is this lady following me so closely?,” asked Sledge to no one in particular. “Good thing I have access to a shortcut no one knows about.” Sledge pushed a button on his dashboard, and his car sprouted helicopter blades and flew off into the air.

“Hey!,” shouted the librarian. She picked up the radio she had in her car for some reason. “Hey everyone, I just saw Sledge cheat.”

“Yeah, that’s what he does,” came back a random voice on the radio, “he’s a criminal!”

The many Batmobiles finally caught up to the race. Batman saw Sledge fly off into the air in his car. “You know, it occurs to me that we could have used the Batwing instead of these Batmobiles and then we could have just flown to the front of the race.”

Catwoman rolled her eyes and replied back over the radio. “Oh no, Batman finally realized he wasn’t the coolest and the smartest too late for it to be of help to us. But no, here we all are in cars on the ground while the man with the expensive diamond flies into the air. Because Batman thinks the Batmobile is the coolest.”

“I do still think it’s the coolest, I just think that being able to fly would help right now,” said Batman.

“Fortunately, we will not have to wait long to press that advantage,” said Lego Galadriel. “I sent a note to one of your friends, and he should be here shortly.”

Batman gritted his teeth. “Please don’t be Superman please don’t be Superman please don’t be—“

Lego Superman flew down out of the clouds and swooped low above all the vehicles. “Hey there everyone, can I be of assistance?”

A torrent of curse words flew out of Batman’s mouth and over the radio. I would reproduce them here, but these are Lego people, and imagining them cursing is probably more funny than actually writing it out.

Frank Honey and Robin looked horrified in their car as they caught up to the pack and they heard Batman cursing. “Oh no,” said Robin. “He’s having one of his moments again.”

“Does…does this happen often?,” asked Frank Honey.

Robin nodded. “Oh yeah it happens all the time,” he said shivering. “I never get used to it. I usually have to wrap him in a blanket and tell him it’ll be okay, but we don’t have time for that! We’ve got to win this race!”

“I really don’t actually think we do need to win the race, now that Superman is here!,” shouted Frank. “We could just—“

“Win RACE GO!,” shouted Robin. He pushed his foot down all the way on the gas pedal and deftly zoomed to the front of the line of Batmobiles, right next to Batman and Superman.

A light on the dashboard of Robin and Frank’s Batmobile started blinking. “Hey Robin, what does this button that says KILL SUPERMAN do?,” asked Frank.

Robin laughed sheepishly. “Hahaha Frank, you didn’t see that button. We don’t talk about that button. It’s from Batman’s dark past.”

“Isn’t every day part of Batman’s dark past once it’s tomorrow?,” asked Frank. Then his face lit up. “Wow! I think I just had a deep thought!”

Batman opened the cockpit of his Batmobile and started yelling at Superman. “We do NOT need your help! We don’t need it! We’re good. Batman is here. The Elf Lady is here. We’ve got this.”

“Yeah Galadriel is really nice!,” said Superman. “She wrote me and asked for help. She said that pretty much the only thing she can’t do is fly, and that a flying nice man would be really helpful right about now. Also, I can totally hear you if you leave the cockpit shut, you don’t have to—“

Batman pressed the eject button and went flying out into the air on a Bat-shaped parachute.

“Finally, the idiot is out of the game,” said Catwoman. “Okay everyone, let’s win this race and—“

“No need for that!,” said Superman. “I’ll just fly up there and grab the guy and return the diamond to whoever it belongs to!”

Frank Honey and Robin both shouted a big “Yay!” in their car.

“But I need to inspect it first to make sure it’s the real diamond!,” said Catwoman.

“Okay sounds good to me!,” said Superman.

He flew up to Sledge’s car helicopter thing, pulled out Sledge, and flew down to the ground with the diamond, plopping him right in front of Catwoman’s now-stopped Batmobile. She leapt out and tied him up with her whip so he couldn’t run away.

“Now I’m off to catch all these other criminals and librarians,” said Superman. “Wait, librarians? Something doesn’t feel right about this.”

—

Alex walked into Hey Bagel, and was shocked to discover Selena behind the counter.

“I read the end of your story and I don’t like it,” said Selena.

“R…really? Also, you work at Hey Bagel now?”

Selena blinked. “Yes. I own Hey Bagel. Figured I should be here for the opening.”

“Wow! Okay then! I’ll take a plain bagel!”

Selena shook her head. “Not till you fix your story. You made Catwoman a villain at the end.”

“Well I sort of implied it, at least. She is a criminal in most of the other stories and—“

“Fix it.”

—

Hello reader. This is Lego Galadriel speaking to you directly in the third-person omniscient narrator voice. I’m cool like that and I can do that because I can.

None of that stuff you read earlier about Superman swooping in and saving the day actually happened. Instead, Catwoman used her whip and her extreme agility to climb up several buildings, leap up to Sledge’s car, grab the diamond, and save the day. Instead of stealing the diamond for herself, she decided to return it to the City, where she was hailed as a hero.

Now that you know the end of this story…perhaps consider reading JRR Tolkein’s stupid Lord of the Rings, a story I am barely featured in. If it had been a good story, I would have been in it more, and it would have had a properly developed villain.

—

“Will that do?,” asked Alex.

Selena nodded. “That’ll do. One plain bagel coming up.”

Alex walked around and checked out the table situation. He noticed that none of the tables had outlets, and smiled. Several people were wandering around with cords looking for places to plug stuff in, confused.

A man approached the counter. “Hi there, I was wondering if I could plug this in somewhere?”

Selena blinked. “You probably can. I’m sure you’re capable of it. We don’t have any outlets here because we just opened, but I’m getting some installed later this week.”

“But how will I charge my phone while I eat my bagel?,” asked the bewildered man.

Selena blinked. “You could try just enjoying your bagel. You could go to any one of a million coffee shops that has an outlet. You could go to your house that probably has an outlet, or your office that probably has an outlet if you work in one. All of these options are open to you.”

“But I need to charge my phone right now,” said the man. “And I assumed you would have outlets here.”

“I understand that,” said Selena. “You assumed incorrectly. If you’d like to complain, you can talk to that guy Alex over there. He’s our customer support department.”

The man’s eyes lit up. “Oh okay!” He walked over to Alex. “Hey there man, she said you’d know where I could plug this in?”

Alex looked up and just laughed at the man, who got confused and walked away.

Selena pulled Alex’s bagel out of a warming oven, walked to the end of the counter, rang a bell, and shouted “HEY BAGEL ALEX!,” at the top of her lungs, startling everyone.

Alex walked over to the counter. “Is this…is this why the store is called Hey Bagel?”

“Yes. I tried to think of the most annoying thing that would still pass the local chamber of commerce’s ‘Charm Test.’”

“I love this!,” said Alex.

—

Catwoman walked over to Robin and Frank. “Well guys, now that I’m the greatest hero in Lego City, do you guys want a new sidekick job helping me out?”

Chase and Batman came over and started protesting. “I’m sure these guys would never want—“

“WE ARE SO IN!,” yelled Frank and Robin in unison.

“Good!,” said Catwoman, smiling. “Let’s go then! I’m building a cool cave and I’m trying to decide what to fill it with!”

“Oooh!,” shouted Frank Honey. “Maybe you could fill it with bunnies! And you could use the backdoor to my office as the secret entrance if you want. No one would ever expect Catwoman’s lair to be in the basement of my office!”

“Your office has a basement?”

Frank Honey nodded. “I own the whole building! It was a gift from my parents!”

—

“Batman returns alone to his house. He keeps the night vigil. He….decides to call Robin.”

“Hey there Robin! How uh. How’s it going?”

“Pretty good Batman, how are you?”

“D…doing well. Just thought it’d be nice to talk for once.”

“Cool!,” said Robin. “I never knew you had my phone number!”

“I…I don’t know how to do this part,” said Batman.

“Don’t worry, I’ll teach you! And maybe afterwards, you could come help us solve a cool crime!”

“That’d be great! I’ve got lots of vehicles here all oiled up and ready to go.”

—

And so that was the story of how Frank Honey learned that he was a time traveler, learned that he was NOT a time traveler, learned that he both was and wasn’t a baby, and became Catwoman’s sidekick, FrankMan.