NaNo 2017 Lego Thing Part Fourteen

“This balloon is inordinately distracting,” typed Alex to his friend. He was bouncing it up and down on the end of his wrist. “Like, I should probably just take a day off from working on my story so I can bounce this balloon around.”

“You’re a strange person,” said Alex’s internet friend.

A tiny Lego Pirate man threw a grappling hook onto the side of Alex’s table. He checked to see if it was firmly attached, then began his slow ascent up the rope.

“I’ll…I have to go for a minute,” typed Alex. He closed his computer. He watched with some curiosity as the tiny plastic man very carefully climbed his way up the rope and onto the table.

“Oy!,” shouted the Lego Pirate up at Alex. “I say, you up there! I wish to have some words wit ye!”

Alex blinked. “Y…yes?”

“My name be Capn’ Shootsword, and I want to say—“

“I’m sorry, what?,” asked Alex. “Captain Shootsword? Really? That’s…that’s the best we could do, huh?”

The pirate had a disgusted look on his cylindrical face. “No, Capn’ not ‘Captain,’ I ain’t no fancy governor.”

“Oh right right, of course, I didn’t mean any offense.”

“That’s better,” said Capn’ Shootsword. “Now then, it has come to my attention that—“

“Why aren’t you wearing a Captain’s Hat?,” asked Alex. “You’ve just got a regular piratey look going on, but your hate doesn’t seem particularly Captainy.”

The small pirate once again grimaced. “It’s a long story.”

“Fair enough.”

Capn’ Shootsword pulled out a tiny plastic cutlass. “Now then, enough o’ yer interruptin’, I wish to be gettin’ to me point. It has come to our attention that when ye were a wee lad, the Lego Pirate sets were yer favorite. Might that be a correct piece o’ info?”

Alex nodded.

“Arrr! Excellent! Well then I have but one question for ye’, on behalf of both meself and me crew: why be there no Pirates yet in ye story?”

Alex thought over this for a moment. “You know, that’s an excellent question. And I don’t have a great answer. The story has taken so many pointless twists and turns thus far…why not put some pirates into it?”

Capn’ Shootsword smiled. “Aha! That’s what I be likin’ to hear. The lads and lasses back on the ship will be most pleased. Now if you’ll be excusin’ me, I need ta get back there.”

“Sure sure, go ahead.”

The little plastic pirate man put his cutlass away, then made his way back over to the rope. He slid down the rope, and waddled away across the floor of the beanland.

Alex opened his computer back up. “You know,” he typed to his friend. “I’ve been thinking of adding pirates to my story.”

“You’ve added everyone else, so why not?”

—

Somewhere out on the open sea, the Lady Lizard approached a merchant ship. Its guns were at the ready, and the merchants were terrified.

“P…pirates!,” screamed on of them. “What do we do?”

“Ready the guns!,” yelled the captain.

The first man whirled around, and hopped up and down as he spoke. “We don’t have any guns!”

“Are you kidding me?,” asked the captain. “How are we sailing in pirate-infested waters with NO GUNS?”

“We’re merchants,” replied the first man. “The last island we landed on was offering a great price for cannons, and my merchant instincts kicked in. I had no choice but to sell them. So we’ve got a great big pile of gold down below, but no guns whatsoever.”

The captain sighed. “Right, we’ll have to fend them off when they board us then.”

Captain Shootsword and his second in command Lady Pirateblood tasted victory already.

“Look at these wee merchants and their defenseless ship,” said Captain Shootsword. “I bet it be full o’ gold, ripe for the takin’!”

“Alright ye maggoty plastic men,” shouted Lady Pirateblood, “make ye ready ta board this ship full o’ ingrates. We bet seekin’ only gold, so take no prisoners. And Larry, no matter how many parrots ye find on board, do not be takin’ any of them!”

A man covered in plastic pirates near the other side of the ship sighed. “Oh, fine.”

“I mean seriously,” said Lady Pirateblood, “How many plastic parrots does one man even need?”

A single tear rolled down Larry’s face. “Always one more ma’am, always one more.”

“Fire the guns! Take down their sails,” yelled the captain.

The guns boomed out. Plastic cannon balls went flying into the sails of the merchant ship, blasting them into plastic bricks and bits that scattered themselves all over the deck.

“Okay gentlemen, that’s be our cue!,” yelled Lady Pirateblood. “Swing on the cool ropes and be takin’ all their gold!”

The pirates swung over to the merchant ship, and the merchants almost immediately surrendered. Lady Pirateblood and her team of marauders swarmed into the hold…and there they found a small pile of gold, and Sauron.

“If you’re looking for the Orb of the Sword, it’s not here,” boomed Sauron’s voice.

“What be ye on about?,” asked Lady Pirateblood, scrunching her face into a confused expression.

“Oh, don’t play coy with me,” came the big voice from the plastic helmet. “I know why you’re here. It’s too much of a coincidence. You’re pirates. You look for mystical treasures. You heard the same rumor that I did: this ship was carrying the fifth Power Orb, the Orb of the Sword.”

Lady Pirateblood blinked.

“You know, you know,” continued Sauron, “The Power Orb that makes the one who wields it a master of the sword. I admit, it seemed silly to me too. But then I realized how vital it would be both for self defense, and for seeking out the other orbs. So even though it’s the last one I’ve sought out, it probably should have been the first.”

“Listen, behelmeted man, I don’t know what ye be talkin’ about. We are not seekers of strange orbs. We already know the ways of the sword. We be here to be takin’ the gold!”

“Ah, I see,” said Sauron, crestfallen. “Well then. So be it. If you were attempting to stand in my way, I’d try to further intimidate you, but as you are not, I’ll take my leave. As you can see, these merchants have a pitiful amount of gold and no cannons. Truly, this is—“

The captain of the merchant ship appeared in the hold. He held a small green orb in one hand and a sword in the other. “Alright listen, you rabble, I’ll have you off my ship immediately, lest you be facing the sting of my steel.”

“Aha!,” said Sauron. “There it is. So the rumors I heard were true. Well well Blackbeard, you know, the look of a merchant suits you. It almost slipped right past me.”

The men from the deck had crowded in around their captain, and now they all gasped in shock. The second in command stepped forward. “My goodness, strange helmeted sir, you don’t mean to suggest that our brave captain is the dreaded pirate Blackbeard do you? That’s the most preposterous notion I’ve ever heard!"

“But of course he is!,” shouted Sauron. “Who better to guard one of the mystical orbs of Lego Power than Blackbeard? The feared immortal pirate captain? Why, with his legendary steel, even if one managed to gather up all the other orbs, it would be almost impossible to complete the set.”

“That’s right,” said the Captain. “I be Blackbeard, and this be the Orb of the Sword, and ye will not be takin’ it!”

Blackbeard stormed forward, sword at the ready. He was about to become a whirling master of blades. Then Lady Pirateblood stuck out her foot and tripped him. He went crashing to the ground, and the orb rolled right to Sauron’s feet.

Sauron raised an eyebrow under his helmet. He wasn’t sure why he always did this, as no one else could see it, but it made *him* feel better when he remembered he had a face. He bent down and picked up the orb. “Well well, that was much easier than I expected it to be.” He gave a little bow. “Thank you, my lady, now I *definitely* won’t dismantle you and your men. Enjoy your little ship, and have a good day.” He walked forward, picked up Blackbeard’s sword, and strode past everyone who was now afraid to face him.

Blackbeard stood up. “Why would ye’ be doin’ this ta me, your fellow pirate?,” he asked Lady PB.

“You be no fellow pirate,” she said. “Ye broke the code that binds us all together out here o’ the sea. Not only have ye been a pirate hunter in ye’ past, ye’ve now given up the way altogether to be a merchant.” She spit at the floor and a lone lego water stud came out of her mouth and pinged against the plastic floor. “I’ll not be callin’ you a brother. Orb or no, I could no stand idly by!”

“That orb is the key to taking the other four,” said Blackbeard. “And if he be gettin’ those, he can remake the universe!”

“Ah, but ye be forgettin’ one thing, old Blackbeard,” said Lady PB. “How’s he going to get off of this ship? How did he even get on it?”

“You know,” mused Blackbeard. “I don’t rightly know!”

Ever since the first portal had opened in the bottom of the treasure chest on the island inside the Lego Store, the Lego Universe had become unstable. Portals were appearing at random all over the place. Sauron had learned to feel where these portals would appear, by peering into the dark ring wraith world place. He knew another portal was about to appear near Blackbeard’s ship.

It appeared on Captain Shootsword’s ship, a whirl of energy and Lego bricks. Sauron took a running leap at the side of the ship, and missed entirely, landing squarely in the water. He hastily climbed up the side of the other ship, ran across the deck, and jumped through the portal which closed behind him.

“Oh,” said Lady Pirateblood. “I guess *that* be how he’s gettin’ off the ship!”