Twelve Lego Passengers boarded the Lego Orient Express, their Lego Luggage stowed inside various Lego Compartments.

I keep using the word Lego in front of stuff to remind everyone that we’re in a Lego Universe, here.

The passengers all came from different walks of life. They had different aspirations. They had different dreams. But tonight, one of them WOULD DIE.

Where by die I mean they would be broken into Lego bits and then NEVER AGAIN REASSEMBLED.

The Lego World’s greatest detective, Lego Sherlock Holmes, wasn’t worried about this when he got on the train. He was looking forward to a holiday…somewhere. He hadn’t really thought about where he wanted to go, so he started wandering. But when he learned about the Express, he saw an opportunity.

The train got underway on a cold and windy November evening. It wasn’t supposed to snow, but then the weather had a mind of its own. 

Lego Holmes walked the length of the train, mentally inspecting every piece of carpet, every rivet, and every single plastic brick. Once he found that it was all in order, he went to have a meeting with the owner of the train in his private cabin, who was a close personal friend of Holmes.

“Holmes, my goodness!,” shouted his friend, the illustrious business man Alfred Moneyman. “I had no idea you were actually going to be on my train tonight!”

“And why not?,” asked Lego Holmes. “You invited me here, and it would have been rude of me to not except your invitation.”

“But I didn’t hear anything from you! I sent that invitation out to you weeks and weeks ago, and nothing, not so much as a letter, came in return.”

Holmes walked around the room a little bit, impressed with the quality of its craftsmanship. “Yes, well, I was probably busy detecting or something. And then I decided I needed a break. I can’t be bothered to write personal letters when I’m solving a case, or using opium or various violins, or what have you! And besides, I thought it should be fun if it were a bit of a surprise. Plus, I’ve got an idea that I think will increase the notoriety and fame of your little…train.”

The famous detective leaned over and whispered the details of his strange gambit in to Mr. Moneyman’s ear. Alfred’s grin spread to each side of his cylindrical head. “Hahaha, I love it! Why, you’ve gone totally mad Holmes! The newspapers alone will write stories about this for days.”

“Newspapers? What is this, the stone age?,” asked Holmes. “This is the modern world! We have computers! The internet! Cell phones! Newspapers, haha, this will be on the lips of every cool teenager and technology obsessed twenty-something before the morning is out!”

Alfred’s eyes went wide. “Ooooh! I thought we were doing a period piece, what with the train and all! Are we….are we not doing a period piece?”

“Well, we’re doing a modern piece but with the flair of the classics,” said Lego Sherlock Holmes.

“Very good!,” said Alfred. “I’ve…I’ve mistakenly had the whole train decorated for an old-timey detective story, and I’ve told all of the other passengers to hide their cell phones in their luggage. I’ll let them know they no longer have to do that.”

“That will work just splendidly!,” said Holmes, pulling a pipe out of his jacket. He looked bemused at the pipe. “You know, it occurs to me there’s no real way for a Lego character to even use a pipe, or put anything of any real matter into their own mouths, since they’re just painted on.”

“Capital observation, Holmes!,” shouted Alfred. “The Legendary detective does it again!”

“Get everyone rounded up,” said Holmes. “The game is afoot!”

—

Alfred Moneyman got all of the other passengers rounded up for a meeting in the dining car. They were all dressed in their best…which just so happened to look like the fancy sort of attire that one might wear to an old-timey murder mystery dinner party. But they all had cell phones.

“What’s this all about,” said a gentleman with a monocle. “I’m a butler, if you must know, and I think this whole thing seems a bit suspicious!”

“I couldn’t agree more!,” said a lady in a fancy red dress. “I’m just an actress who’s here pretending not to be an actress, but even I can tell that something isn’t right.”

The rest of the Lego Men and Women continued to introduce themselves and their curious occupations one at a time, and all started to agree that something seemed very suspicious about this whole affair.

And then Lego Holmes appeared in the doorway.

A woman gasped and dropped her glass of wine to the floor, where it shattered! Or rather it would have, if it wasn’t made out of plastic. “My goodness! Mr. Sherlock Holmes! I know you, you’re that famous detective! Even though I am a master chef, and have never before dropped so much as a fork or a glass on the ground, I was so shocked at your sudden appearance that I had no choice but to react!"

“Yes,” said Mr. Holmes with a dramatic pause. “It is indeed I. The world’s most famous Lego Detective. I have called you all together here, because we are about to embark on a most mysterious journey together.”

“Oooh!,” said an old man in the back. “Has the train not started moving yet? I thought it had! I know I’m just a retired Lawyer, and as such my mind sometimes escapes me, but I really thought the train had begun to move!”

Lego Sherlock Holmes let out a deep sigh. “The train is already moving, my good man. The journey we are about to take, is a metaphorical one.”

Ooohs and aaaaahs echoed throughout the room.

Lego Sherlock Holmes produced a large, sharp Lego Knife, and set it in the center of the room, on top of a table with a pristine white table cloth.

“This, my dear ladies and gentlemen, is a brand new, never-before-used, knife. One could do many things with this knife. You could cook a meal. You could wave it around like a madman. You could try to cut down a tree. But none of these things will happen tonight. Tonight…one of you will use it to MURDER another!”

A woman in the middle of the room, nearest the knife, let out a gasp. “My goodness Mr. Holmes! I know I’m just a farmer who has never left my hometown before tonight, but do you mean to say that someone has been MURDERED on this train with that knife?”

“No. That’s not what I mean to say at all. I mean to say that one of you WILL murder another one. AND I’M GOING TO PAY YOU TO DO IT!”

Lego Sherlock Holmes let out an evil cackle.

—

“I think you’re getting this all wrong!,” typed Alex’s internet friend.

“What do you mean? It seems perfectly reasonable,” typed Alex. He took a bite of a bagel.

“Are you doing a weird riff on Agatha Christie? Only Sherlock Holmes is there? And he’s encouraging a murder?”

Alex thought about it for a moment. “Yes on all counts.”

“But…but WHY would you do that? What happened to the rest of the story.”

“Well,” typed Alex, being careful not to spill bagel crumbs on his keyboard. “I decided I needed a break from my story because I convinced myself I saw the Batmobile driving around town the other day. So I went and saw that new Murder on the Orient Express movie, and thought it would be fun to get some detecting back into my detective story.”

“Uh huh…”

“Because remember! This all started out with a detective! But then I learned that the estate of Agatha Christie, or the rights holders, or whoever they are, are comically invested in protecting all of her characters and continuing to make tons of money off of them, so I decided I’d have to go with Sherlock Holmes.”

“But aren’t you already writing a weird spoof thing that’s already well beyond the bounds of copyright respect?,” typed Alex’s friend.

“I suppose that’s true,” said Alex. “Also, it’s almost closing time at the Beanland, and I got the last bagel, which I feel pretty good about. And they’re gonna kick me out soon so I had to write something.”

—

“Excuse me Mr. Holmes, I heard you were a detective. I figured you would not be the one to encourage murder,” said a mysterious gentleman.

“Ordinarily, you’re right,” said Lego Sherlock. “But I’ve grown bored of standard detecting. I need something that will really test my skills. If I’m to truly understand the criminal mind, I figured why not become one for a little while?”

The mysterious gentleman smiled. “Ah, a man after my own heart. I am but a forlorn Dark Lord named Sauron, who was on a quest to take over the Lego Universe when I got so rudely waylaid by a gentleman dressed as a bat.”

“Now that sounds like a case I’d like to solve!,” said Lego Sherlock.

“Oh indeed? Well perhaps I’ll have to ask you to come back with me then once we’ve finished here!,” said Lego Sauron. He grabbed the knife off of the table and began to swing it wildly around. He knocked several tables over, and a general panic ensued aboard the train.

After a few moments of flailing, the farmer managed to smack Sauron over the head with her purse. The knife fell out of his plastic claw hand, and an orb went rolling out of his pocket. All of the other passengers were mystified by its appearance. It landed at Lego Sherlock’s feet. He picked it up.

“Hmm!,” he said. “A most curious orb!”

“Noooo!,” shouted Sauron from the floor. “That’s my orb of time! You can’t have it! I need that to get back and deal with the stupid Batman!”

A bright flash emanated through the train, and Lego Sherlock Holmes disappeared.